The Conceited Pedlar (The University Pedlar) · chunk 1 of 8
Randolph, Thomas · published 1630 · first performed or written 1627 [Nov 1] (Annals) entertainment; academic entertainment unassigned nearest T35 Fools, wit and railing · 492 words
Marked words are the most distinguishing words of the nearest topic T35: fool, wit, aristippus, achilles, wise, fools, patroclus, thersites, master, men.
Generous Gentlemen, Such is my affection to Phoebus, and the ninety nine Muses, that for the benefit of this royal University, I have straddled over three of the terrestrial globes with my Geometrical rambling, videlicet, the Asia of the Dolphin, the Afrique of the Rose, the America of the Mitre, besides the terra incognita, of many an Alehouse. And all for your sakes, whom I know to be the divine brats of Helicon, the lawful begotten bastards of the thrice three sisters, the learned, filly-foals to monsieur Pegasus, Arch-hackney to the students of Parnassus: Therefore I charge you by the seven deadly Sciences, which you more study than the three and four liberal sins, that your ha', ha, he's may be recompense of my ridiculous endeavours. I have been long in travel, but if your laughter give my Embryon jests but safe deliverance, I dare maintain it in the throat of Europe, Jeronimo rising from his naked bed, was not so good a Midwife. But I see you have a great desire to know what profession I am of: first, therefore hear what I am not. I am not a Lawyer, for I hope you see no Buckram honesty about me, and I swear by these sweet lips, my breath stinks not of any State actions: I am no soldier, although my heels be better than my hands: by the whips of Mars and Bellona, I could never endure the smell of salt-Peter since the last Gunpowder treason: the voice of a Mandrake to me, is sweeter music than those Maxims of wars, those terrible Cannons; I am no Townsman, unless there be rutting in Cambridge, for you see my head without horns; I am no Alderman, for I speak true English; I am no justice of peace, for I swear by the honesty of a Mittimus, the venerable Bench never kissed my worshipful Buttocks; I am no Alchemist, for though I am poor, I have not broke out my brains against the philosopher's stone; I am no Lord, and yet methinks I should, for I have no Lands; I am no Knight, and yet I have as empty pockets as the proudest of them all; I am no Landlord, but to Tenants at will; I am no Inns of Court Gentleman, for I have not been stewed throughly at the Temple, though I have been half coddled at Cambridge; Now do you expect that I should say I am a Scholar, but I thank my stars, I have more wit than so; why, I am not mad yet? I hope my better Genius will shield me from a threadbare black Cloak, it looks like a piece of Beelzebubs Livery. A Scholar? What? I do not mean my brains should drop through my nose: no; if I was what I wish I could but hope to be; but I am a noble, generous, understanding, royal, magnificent, religious, heroical, and thrice illustrious Pedlar.
seed 43: unassigned · seed 44: unassigned — topic numbers are assigned independently in each run; equal or different numbers say nothing by themselves
Original spelling (EEBO-TCP, unregularized)
Generous Gentlemen, SVch is my affection to Phoebus, and the ninety nine Mues, that for the benefit of this royall Vniuersity, I haue strodled ouer three of the terrestriall globes with my Geometricall rambling, vidlicet, the Asia of the Dolphin, the Afrique of the Rose, the America of the Mitre, besides the terra incognita, of many an Ale-house. And all for your sakes, whom I know to be the diuine brats of Helicon, the lawfull begotten bastards of the thrice three sisters, the learned, filly-foales to Mounsier Pegasus, Archhackney to the students of Parnassus: Therefore I charge you by the seuen deadly Sciences, which you more study than the three and foure liberall sinnes, that your ha, ha, he's may be recompence of my ridiculous endeauours. I haue beene long in trauell, but if your laughter giue my Embryon iests but safe deliuerance, I dare maintaine it in the throat of Europ, Ieroimo rising from his naked bed, was not so good a Midwife. But I see you haue a great desire to know what profession I am of: first, therefore heare what I am not. I am not a Lawyer, for I hope you see no Buckram honesty about me, and I sweare by these sweet lips, my breath stinks not of any State actions: I am no souldier, although my heeles be better than my hands: by the whips of Mars and Bellona, I could neuer endure the smell of salt-Peter since the last Gunpowder treason: the voyce of a Mandrake to me, is sweeter musick than those Maximes of warres, those terrible Cannons; I am no Townsman, vnlesse there be rutting in Cambridge, for you see my head without hornes; I am no Alderman, for I speak true English; I am no Iustice of peace, for I sweare by the honesty of a Mittimus, the venerable Bench neuer kist my worshipful Buttocks; I am no Alchymist, for though I am poore, I haue not broke out my braines against the Philosophers stone; I am no Lord, and yet me thinks I should, for I haue no Lands; I am no Knight, and yet I haue as empty pockets as the proudest of them all; I am no Landlord, but to Tenants at will; I am no Inns of Court Gentleman, for I haue not been stewed throughly at the Temple, though I haue beene halfe codled at Cambridg; Now doe you expect that I should say I am a Scholler, but I thanke my starres, I haue more wit than so; why, I am not mad yet? I hope my better Genius will shield me from a thred-bare blacke Cloke, it lookes like a piece of Beelzebubs Liuery. A Scholler? What? I doe not meane my braines should drop through my nose: no; if I was what I wish I could but hope to be; but I am a noble, generous, vnderstanding, royall, magnificent, religious, heroicall, and thrice illustrious Pedler.