The Conceited Pedlar (The University Pedlar) · chunk 5 of 8
Randolph, Thomas · published 1630 · first performed or written 1627 [Nov 1] (Annals) entertainment; academic entertainment unassigned nearest T35 Fools, wit and railing · 473 words
Marked words are the most distinguishing words of the nearest topic T35: fool, wit, aristippus, achilles, wise, fools, patroclus, thersites, master, men.
The next is a looking-glass, but I'll put it up again; for I dare not be so bold as to show some of you your own faces; yet I will, because it hath strange operations, viz. If a cracked Chambermaid dress herself by this looking-glass, she shall dream the next night of kissing her Lord, or making her mistress a she Cuckold, and shall marry a Chaplin, the next living that falls. If a stale Court Lady look on this Reflection, she may see her old face, through her new Complexion. An Usurer cannot see his conscience in it, nor a Scrivener his ears. If a Townsman peep into it, his Actaeon's furniture is no longer invisible: Corrupt takers of bribes may read the price of their consciences in it. Some fellows cannot see the face of a Scholar in it. If one of our jewel-nosed Carbuncled rubric, bonifaced, can venture the danger of seeing their own faces in it, the poor Basilisks will kill themselves by reflection. If a blind man see his face in this, he shall recover his eyesight. But I see no pleasure in the contemplation of it; for when I look into it, I find myself inclined to such a dangerous disease, that I fear, I cannot live here above four years longer: Howsoever, I hope after my disease, we shall drink the parting-blow. If any this looking-glass disgrace, It is because he dares not see his face: Then what I am, I will not see (faith) say, 'T was the whore's Argument, when she threw't away. But now considering what a Philosophical vacuum there is in most of our Cambridge Noddles, I have here to sell a sovereign box of Cerebrum, which by Lullius his Alchemy, was extracted from the quintessence of Aristotle's Pericranium, sod in the sinciput of Demosthenes. The fire being blown with the long-winded blast of a Ciceronian sentence, the whole confection boiled from a pottle to a pint, in the Pipkin of Seneca: we owe the first invention of it to Sir Iohn Mandevile, the perfection of it to Tom of Odcombe, who fetched it from the gray-headed Alps in the Hobson's wagon of experience; I swear as Persians use, by this my Coxcomb, this Magazine of immortal roguery: but for this Box of brains, you had not laughed tonight; buy this box of brains, and the tenor of your wits shall be soccage, whenas now it is but fee simple. These brains have very admirable virtues, and very strange operations: four drops of it in the ear of a Lawyer, will make him write true Latin: three grains will fill the Capital of an University Gander; the terrestrial head of a high-Constable, will be contented with half a dram; three scruples and a half will fill the brainpan of a Bambery brother.
seed 43: unassigned · seed 44: unassigned — topic numbers are assigned independently in each run; equal or different numbers say nothing by themselves
Original spelling (EEBO-TCP, unregularized)
The next is a Looking-Glasse, but I'l put it vp againe; for I dare not be so bold as to shew some of you your owne faces; yet I will, because it hath strange operations, viz. If a crackt Chamber-maid dresse her selfe by this Looking-Glasse, shee shall dreame the next night of kissing her Lord, or making her mistresse a shee Cuckold, and shall marry a Chaplin, the next liuing that falls. If a stale Court Lady looke on this Reflection, shee may see her old ace, through her new Complection. An Vsurer cannot see his conscience in it, nor a Scriuener his eares. If a Townesman peepe into it, his Acteons furniture is no longer invisible: Corupt takers of bribes may reade the price of their consciences in it. Some fellowes cannot see the face of a Scholler in it. If one of our Iewel-nos'd Carbunckl'd rubricke, bonifac't, can venture the danger of seeing their owne faces in it, the poore Basiliskes will kill themselues by reflection. If a blinde man see his face in this, hee shall recouer his eye-sight. But I see no pleasure in the contemplation of it; for when I looke into it, I finde my selfe inclined to such a dangerous disease, that I feare, I cannot liue heere aboue foure yeeres longer: Howsoeuer, I hope after my disease, we shall drinke the parting-blow. If any this Looking-Glasse disgrace, It is because he dares not see his face: Then what I am, I will not see (faith) say, 'T was the whores Argument, when she threw't away. But now considering what a Philosophicall vacuum there is in most of our Cambridge Noddles, I haue here to sell a soueraine boxe of Cerebrum, which by Lullius his Alchymy▪ was extracted from the quintessence of Aristotles Pericranium, sodde in the sinciput of Demosthenes. The fire being blowne with the long-winded blast of a Cceronian sentence, the whole confection boyled from a pottle to a pinte, in the Pipkin of Seneca: wee owe the first inuention of it to Sir Iohn Mandeuile, the perfection of it to Tom of Odcombe, who fetch'd it from the gray-headed Alpes in the Hobsons Waggon of experience; I sweare as Persians vse, by this my Coxcombe, this Magazine of immortall roguery: but for this Boxe of braines, you had not laughed to night; buy this boxe of braines, and the tenure of your wits shall be soccage, when as now it is but ee simple. These braines haue very admirable vertues, and very strange operations: foure drops of it in the eare of a Lawyer, will make him write true Lattin: three graines will fill the Capitall of an Vniuersity Gander; the terrestriall head of a high-Constable, will be contented with halfe a dram; three scruples and a halfe will fill the braine-panne of a Bambery brother.