The Conceited Pedlar (The University Pedlar) · chunk 6 of 8
Randolph, Thomas · published 1630 · first performed or written 1627 [Nov 1] (Annals) entertainment; academic entertainment unassigned nearest T35 Fools, wit and railing · 451 words
Marked words are the most distinguishing words of the nearest topic T35: fool, wit, aristippus, achilles, wise, fools, patroclus, thersites, master, men.
Come buy my brains, you ignorant gulls, And furnish here your empty skulls: Pay your Laughter as it's fit, To the learned Pedlar of wit. Quickly come, and quickly buy, Or I'll shut my shop, and fools you'll die. If your Coxcombs you would quoddle, Here buy brains to fill your noddle. Who buys my brains, learns quickly here, To make a Problem in a year: Shall understand the predicable, And the predicamental Rabble. Who buys them not, shall die a fool, An exoteric in the School. Who has not these, shall ever pass For a great Acroamatical Ass: Buy then this box of brains, who buys not it, Shall never surfeit on too much wit. But leaving my brains, I come to a more profitable Commodity: for considering how dull half the wits of the University be, I thought it not the worst traffic to sell Whetstones. This Whetstone will set such an edge upon your inventions, that it will make your rusty iron brains, purer mettle, than your brazen faces. Whet but the knife of your Capacities on this Whetstone, and you may presume to dine at the Muses Ordinary, or sup at the Oracle of Apollo. If this be not true, I swear by the Doxies Petticoats, that I'll never hereafter presume of a better vocation, than to live and die the miserable factor of Connyskins. I have also Gloves of several qualities: the first is a pair of Gloves made for a Lawyer, made of an entire Loadstone, that has the virtue to draw gold unto it; they were perfumed with the conscience of an Usurer, and will keep scent till wrangling have left Westminster Hall; they are seamed with Indenture, by the needlework of Mortgage, and fringed with a Noverint universi. I would show you more, but it is against the Statute, because a Latitat hath been served lately upon them. And few of you need any Gloves, for you wear Cordovant hands. My next Commodities, are several Nightcaps, but they dare not come abroad by Candlelight. The first is lined with Fox fur, which I hope to sell to some of the Sophisters; it hath an admirable faculty for curing the Crapula, above the virtue of ivy, or bitter Almonds; nay, the porridge pot's not comparable unto it. I have another, fit for an Alderman, which Actaeon by his last Will and Testament bequeathed to the City as a principal Charter, it was of Diana's own making; Albumazer's Otacousticon was but a Chamberpot in comparison. I could fit all heads with Nightcaps, except your grave overwise Metaphysical heads: Marry, they are so transcendent, that they will not be comprehended within the predicant of a Nightcap.
seed 43: unassigned · seed 44: unassigned — topic numbers are assigned independently in each run; equal or different numbers say nothing by themselves
Original spelling (EEBO-TCP, unregularized)
Come buy my braines, you ignorant guls, And furnish heere your empty sculs: Pay your Laughter as it's fit, To the learned Pedler of wit. Quickly come, and quickly buy, Or I'l shut my shop, and foles you'l dye. If your Coxcombes you would quoddle, Heere buy braines to fill your noddle. Who buyes my braines, learnes quickly here, To make a Probleme in a yeere: Shall vnderstand the predicable, And the predicamentall Rabble. Who buyes them not, shall die a foole, An exotericke in the Schoole. Who has not these, shall euer passe For a great Acromaticall Asse: Buy then this boxe of braines, who buyes not it, Shall neuer surfet on too much wit. But leauing my braines, I come to a more profitable Commodity: for considering how dull halfe the wits of the Vniuersitie be, I thought it not the worst traffique to sell Whetstones. This Whetstone will set such an edge vpon your inuentions, that it will make your rusty iron braines, purer mettle, then your brazen faces. Whet but the knife of your Capacities on this Whetstone, and you may presume to dine at the Muses Ordinary, or suppe at the Oracle of Apollo. If this be not true, I sweare by the Doxies Petricoates, that I'le neuer hereafter presume of a better vocation, then to liue and dye the miserable factor of Conny-skins. I haue also Gloues of seuerall qualities: the first is a paire of Gloues made for a Lawyer, made of an intire Loadstone, that has the vertue to draw gold vnto it; they were perfumed with the conscience of an Vsurer, and will keepe scent till wrangling haue left Westminster Hall; they are seamed with Indenture, by the needleworke of Mortgage, and fringed with a Nouerint Vniuersi. I would shew you more, but it is against the Statute, because a Latitat hath beene serued lately vpon them. And few of you need any Gloues, for you weare Cordouant hands. My next Commodities, are seuerall Night-caps, but they dare not come abroad by Candlelight. The first is lined with Foxe furre, which I hope to sell to some of the Sophisters; it hath an admirable faculty for curing the Crapula, aboue the vertue of Iuie, or bitter Almonds; nay, the porredge pot's not comparable vnto it. I haue another, fit for an Alderman, which Acteon by his last Will and Testament bequeathed to the City as a principall Charter, it was of Dianas's owne making; Albumazers Otacousticon was but a Chamberpot in comparison. I could fit all heads with Night-caps, except your grane ouerwise Metaphysical heads: Marry, they are so transcendent, that they will not bee comprehended within the predicant of a Night-cap.